Things I Miss Doing with You

As I sit here thinking I remember so many good times that we have shared. Some as simple as sitting at the kitchen table talking. And us going on vacation together and having so much fun. I miss so much about you. I miss you telling me the hopes and dreams that you have for your great grandchildren, the trips that you wish you would have taken (which are few..you have traveled everywhere) and just the few little secrets that we have shared in our lifetime. So I decided to make a list of the things that I miss:
I miss you as a whole person.
I miss your great mind.
I miss your problem solving skills.
I miss your delicious homemade biscuits from scratch.
I miss your made from scratch pies and cakes.
I miss our last minute roadtrips. (remember the one to Savannah with Ms. Nell, that was a great trip).
I miss out shopping days when you knew what you needed and wanted to buy for the house.
I miss us both standing in the kitchen together cooking a big meal.
I miss you helping me when I got "stuck" trying to finish a sewing project. (the chair cussions for my kitchen table chairs..that was fun).
I miss the family vacations where you planned each and every meal but never the activities for the day.
I miss dirt dugging with you in Tennessee. (fun times)
I miss deep sea fishing with you.
I miss taking trips to the Great Smokey Mountains with you and Daddy and the grandchildren.
I miss you fussing at me about nothing at all.

There are a million things that I miss about you.
But the one thing that I don't miss is seeing your smile, feeling the touch of your hand and you telling me that everything is going to be okay.
I love you Mama.

bittersweet moment

Yesterday was Fathers' Day. Daddy was in the yard, watching as the vehicles were being washed and waxed. And you, my dear Mama, was in the house watching out of the glass doors and laughing. You were laughing because N, your great grandson was running through the water that was on the ground. He would run through the water and laugh. Then you would laugh. Alzheimers' is an awful and strange disease. I have noticed in the last few days that you seem to regressing more and more. Your mind is going backwards. You think that you great grandchild are your grandchildren. You think that N, is your grandson B. I try to explain to you that N is your great grandson and then you look at me as if you are in a fog, a daze. So I decide that we will try to have this conversation at a later day. You tell everyone that you are ready to eat. The food is coming off of the grill and you tell me that you want a hamburger but you really want a hot dog. You are shaking so bad from the Parkinsons' that you can barely hold your hot dog so I cut it up for you so that you can use a fork to eat it with. You look at N. as he is eating his potato salad and he moans at you. And you moan back. There is 69 years between the two of you. He laughs at you and you laugh at him. This goes on the entire time tha twe are eating dinner. When you two finish eating, N. gets down and got to you and grabs you by the leg and loves you. It is a bittersweet moment to see this between grandmother and great grandson. And I realize that I am blessed to have shared such a moment with you and him.

a wonderful day for mama

It seems like today was one of the days that I would like to see everyday. Mama laughed today. Mama smiled today. Mama had the look of love in her eye when she looked at her children and grandchildren today. She seemed happy in her heart. She had happiness in her heart. She has love in her heart for her family and friends. This disease might have her mind but it does not have her memories. My mom is a wonderful person even now when this awful disease. There are things that I miss about my Mama, alot of things. I miss the long conversations. Some conversations about nothing at all and some conversations about very important things. I miss you telling me that everything is going to be alright. Now I hold your hand and tell you that everything is going to be alright. I leaned on you and now you lean on me. There are so many days that I wish you would put your arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay like you did when I was young, but now I put my arms around you and tell you that everything is going to be okay. Mama I just want you know that I love you with all my heart and soul and that I will always be here for you no matter what the outcome. I will do whatever needs to be done for you. I love you Mama...you are heart and you made the woman that i am today and I thank you for that.