5 years ago today

5 years ago today my middle brother Ricky committed suicide. Tragic ...yes. drepressing...yes..
Do I miss him...yes. Sometimes it is just so hard to breathe. I think of him often especially this time of year. We both love the fall. We loved going to Daytona Beach, Fla. for Biketoberfest. I have not been in 5 years. My nephew wants me to go with him this year and I just can't go. I was on vacation with my parents the weekend before Ricky took his life. We were in the moutains in North Carolina and Tennessee. It was so hard for me to go back to North Carolina after that happened. I took my son, nephew and one of their freinds skiing and it was extremely hard to go back but I had no choice..I had to go. I felt that it would be a form of therpy for me to go. I felt that I needed to go and cry where we played when we went up there as kids. Yes, every year for summer vacation that was where we were. So when I got to North Carolina I went to the river and sit and cried. It was freezing outside but I had to cry and talk to Ricky. I felt that he was sitting on the bank of the river with me, laughing and crying, talking about the old times. Even stranger tho...I was in the computer room Friday afternoon the 12th looking at pictures and I found an envelope with Ricky's name on it and inside was an letter. I looked at the pictures and then I pulled the letter out and it was Ricky's death certificate. Imagine that shock..2 days before he would be dead for 5 years and I find that. Needless to say, the past few days I have thougth about alot of things. Things about life...Did I cry? A river..I miss him so much. I miss him saying ..."cat". He had a way with that word. I just miss him...but I know one thing ...his love is like the wind..I can't see it but I can feel it.. So to you big brother...I miss you ..I love you...and I'm so proud to call you family.....I will hold your love in my memory until we meet again...